This song...

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend
I don’t want to be alone
I’m calling all friends

Taken my time and tried to be what I wanted
Taken my chances when they came on the way
Taken their toll and nobody knows how I’m haunted
Things that I’ve done there isn’t a price I can pay

I have been broken I’ve been low
You want to disappear and no one needs to know
I’ve been there I’ve been where no one seems to care

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone
I’m calling all friends

I have been broken I’ve been low
You want to disappear and no one needs to know
I’ve been there I’ve been where no one seems to care

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone
I’m calling all friends

This song... is one that I would have written in my notebook almost 10 years ago, 9 years ago, 8 years ago, 7 years ago. Even though I have grown and healed, and got broken and healed again, and got broken and healed again; even though I have made unthinkable mistakes and forgiven myself and healed some more. Even though I am not alone. I still have this relentless need to pull out my notebook and write down this song.

This song... reminds me so much of being pregnant with JD. I remember standing in the shower, looking at my stomach, singing it, and crying. I remember driving fast down 94, windows down, on my way to pick up the rocking chair for his nursery, and crying. I remember (like I'll ever forget) sitting up sleeping on the armchair/ottoman in the corner of the living room in Ann Arbor, leaping up every five minutes to throat-vomit into the kitchen sink. I remember sitting there sleeping-not-sleeping in the dark and every nerve in my body tingling, waiting for my baby to come. I didn't know him, I didn't know anything. I just sat there and waited, it was that completely charged feeling, when you know something is going to happen. I can't explain it, but you know what I mean. I remember sitting there, alone in the dark, and this song...

Then, haha, the night JD was actually born, I was awake and walking around, I was watching Lingo and then Dancing with the Stars. It was the Season Finale, Mario vs Emmit. I was trying to wait to see them dance before I went to the hospital. Priorities, right? I also wasn't even sure that I was in labor. What a weird, weird, bizarre series of remembrances. I guess that's life.